How to Make It as a Horror Writer

4. Be Ugly

The best start in life you can have if you want to be the next Lovecraft is to be ugly.  You should look like you’re going to shape-shift into an anthropomorphic dog or fish if you want to break into the big league. Ideally, you should be so bland, or even repulsive, that only immigrants desperately looking for a spouse will want want to date you.

Wear one of these wherever you go to remind the ladies what ‘ugly’ really is

3. Be Single

You’ll never achieve your dream of getting a Pulitzer for writing about the green slime from outer space if you have something better to do than write about slime. If you’re ugly, this shouldn’t be a problem; but if you’re good-looking, or just British, it’ll be an uphill battle. My advice would be to show your significant other some of your work to quickly convince them to leave you. Remember, if you have a French boyfriend, you’ll never finish that novel about terrifying French boyfriends.

2. Be Insane

They don’t call him “well adjusted Arab Abdul Alhazred”. If you don’t have crippling psychological issues, you’ll never speak with conviction about the prehuman civilisation waiting to overthrow mankind [sorry feminists]. If you spoke with conviction, you could probably climb to the top that much faster; remember that Austrian guy that really hated Jewish people? Growing up with night terrors and a debilitating fear of swimming would go a long way.

Pictured above: Conviction

1. Be Poor

There’s another thing you need to be scared of: money. The only money you’ll ever make is when Hollywood buys the rights to your book – if you’re lucky, Christopher Nolan will direct and Leonardo will star in the film, and if you’re not, then you’ll probably still get Leo, but with Danny Boyle. But whether it’s Guillermo del Toro or that homeless guy from the park, it had better not be soon. If you’re looking to make money, get a real job, like pickpocketting or TV repair. Only when you find yourself dying of starvation and tuberculosis will you know that the world had known a true master in you. Maybe that homeless guy will come to your funeral?


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